Faith Diary

Special Thanks to a Special Friend... ...

2006-11-28T22:23:00.000-08:00

Was going through another round of complaining and grumbling over some small & insignificant things feeling rather lousy... ... But u r always there for me... ...no matter how big or how small... ...no matter how real or unreal my problem... ...u r always there... ...anythime that I needed someone to talk to... ...u r always there... ...no matter how right or how wrong about things... ...u r always there to listern... ...

I thank u Toadie... ...thank u for allowing me to feel what I wanna feel... ...Thank u for allowing me be who I real is... ...

... ...29Nov2006

2006-11-28T22:18:00.000-08:00

Friends have fun... ...
True Friends appreciate... ...

Words of courage from a good friend... ...on 15/10/06

2006-10-26T18:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Angel

I'm proud to announce that...

You have embarked on an amazing journey,
a journey in search of a dream,
a dream of becoming a Speech Therapist.
A Speech Therapist who is filled with love, passion, & compassionate,
who heals not only the body but the heart as well &
who makes a difference in the lives of others.
What lies ahead the road ahead may be a mystery.
But remember always,
Don't ever allow yourself to lose sight of such a great dream.

I'm sure I'm just like many others around you who are so glad to be journeying with you.
Keep that amazing fighting spirits of yours up, up and up always k!!

Cheers

Determination!!!

2006-10-10T19:07:00.000-07:00

11/10/06

I have been lost for awhile....my mind was taken away and overwhelm by the excitment happening around me....

Yesterday, I felt the excitment & determination coming back to me once again...Yes!!!...

I have another backup plan again....if this round of application is not successful again...I am going to fly down to Australia...I am going to La Trobe Uni....I am going to find out why...if this application is not successful again, I believe something not very right about my application & I need to know why...I am going to try my very best to show them my sincerity & hopefully they will accept me for the course......

I scolded him....

2006-10-10T11:09:00.000-07:00

I just scolded CK. Tho I think the words I used and the way I do it wasn't very harsh, but I would classify it as scolding...feel my eyes wet while scolding him...我真没用!!

I have no idea what's wrong with me....I am not prepared to scold him, he has been like that for months, its nothing new to me...he has been refusing my therapy and refused to even try to talk for months....he has the right to choose....why is there a need for me to scold him????

Well, this is not the first time I scolded my patients. But those are patients whom ST felt that they hv good prognosis or at least I can still see that there are thing that I can do to help them improve...those r whom wanted to give up or whom are lazy....whom I have tried ways to motivate....

I scolded him n I changed the fenetrated trachy tube for him. I told him if you don't wanna to do therapy you say it out. He finally said "mai...". I stared at him n my heart almost melt. After not talking for so long, he finally said a word "mai.."

But why am I scolding CK??!!!! Both ST do not hv good prognosis on him...so wat if I scold him....I can't promise him anything....not even any slight improvement.....I am at total lost of wat I can do for him...why am I still trying to see him every day....??why is there a need of therapy for him...?? Can't we just leave him alone if this is wat he want!!!

Ya ya ya...I can cry, I can complain....which is good....cos while writing this I found the answer for all my WHY....Yes....I might not see hope that I can help him to swallow/eat again....but at least with the speaking valve I should continue to encourage him to talk...

小燕子

2006-08-22T01:55:00.000-07:00

22/8/06

刚刚一位护士说:"小燕子好久没看到妳了..."

"小燕子"---我几乎都忘了我曾经有的一个称号...

这是一位可爱的ah pek给我的称号.他是我的一位得了末期癌症的病人.他非常爱说笑.每当人家问他我是谁时,他都会说我是小燕子.所以当时大家也跟着他叫我小燕子...那已是好久好久以前的事了...他可爱的装傻,还真的把大家逗的很开心.但,我似乎看出了他对死亡的不安心里...

Disappointment... ...

2006-08-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

16 Aug 2006

As the days go by, as the clock hands move and the mintues start clicking... ... my heart got more and more heavier... ... it might sound too early to make any judgement, but I know my chance of getting accepted to the SLP course get slimmer... ...

I know that I will pick up again, its not the end of the world, life still goes on and there are still many things that I can and I would do to fight till the end... but I just can't help feeling disappointed and sad... ...

I know that if at the end of the day I still cannot be a qualified ST, GOD might has something better for me... but its just natural for me to go thru this period of feeling down, crying, helpless, and asking why...

So friends, most likely people who are close to me will see me crying, please do not worry... I much appreciated that you all have always been there giving me all the support... don't worry that I will need to go thru this down period and then regain my strength and be stronger than before... don't worry cos you can still continue to pray for me and... a pat on the shoulder and continue your faith would be what I need now... ...

我还是一只打不死的蟑螂...

一张小卡片

2006-07-02T17:48:00.000-07:00

那天Wan递给我一张小卡片...哈哈!! 在我们互相给彼此的卡片中提到了一位共同的人物-"阿永婆婆"...我几乎都忘了我第一次在她面前掉眼泪是为了这可爱的婆婆...

Miracle

2006-06-30T17:17:00.000-07:00

S, a malay ah mah who have the same birthdate as me. Last year on our birthday, I went to her bed and said 'Happy Birthday S', she gave me a smile, but I am not too sure whether she understand what I said, I returned a smile to her... ...

During the time when I was still assisting the PT, my 偶像中的偶像 was working on her. At the begining of the therapy, he talked to her in Malay, which I dun understand a single bit at that time. He then turned to me to translate their conversation. He asked whether she want to walk or not and she reply that she wish to walk... ...

S, a 70 over years old lady, whom has not been walking for the past 14 years. Even before her admission to the hospital, she used to be crawling at home. It has seemed to me that everybody has accepted the fact that she will never walk again. To be frank, I was a bit shock when she mentioned her wish to walk again.

Few months later, my 偶像 came to me and said S is walking. I opened my eyes wide with amazement!! He showed to me when we went up the ward. He held both her hands and she took a few steps. I opened my eyes wide and my mouth wide. Though still weak and unstable, still need a lot of support and strategy to walk her... but she is on her feet now... its a miracle...HE CREATED A MIRACLE!!!

Still remembered sometime when we asked her questions or told her things, she will lift up her head and gave a blur blur look... always find it very funny, sometime I can't help it & laugh and she will showed another blur blur look, haha...(me so bad!!)

Remembered one day, I saw her crying so badly. When I asked the nurses why, they told me that her husband has just passed away n she seemed to understand that... ...

She was gone months ago. Heard she went back home to celebrate festive season, then came back, got weak. Heard things happened to cause her the state... I was angry and sad for awhile... Wanted to see her during those few days when she is very sick. Went up to the ward standing at the next cubical, I saw her face, seemed uncomfortable. Didn't go to her bedside, cos there were many visitors with her. Next day, she is gone... ...

I guess this might be good for her lah... ... at least she has fulfilled her wish to walk again and have also gone back home.

Baby Face po po

2006-06-28T22:14:00.000-07:00

"Ma!....Ma!...Ma!..." I heard an aunty crying out loud from the ward. Followed by the 'Ga Rang Ga Bo' nurses pushing the e-trolley in & out, and another junior nurse whom were tasked to call the doctor but don't know what number to call... At that time, I was reading some patient's case notes, standing at the nurses' counter, I was totally lost too. I have never know what should I do under such circumstantes, I have been taught to always inform nurses if something not right. Seeing the nurses busying with stuff I felt like an idiot which the only contribution is to not obstruct their work.

Later when I asked who that was and a familar name was mentioned to me. I recalled seeing this name from an email that this patient was transferred up to the ward, but I can't figured out who. Then later people start mentioning to me about her, even PCW who have left the hospital sms me to tell me about this po po too. I know she must be someone that I have seen/know quite well. I have been trying very hard to count the bed number so as to help to refresh my memory, but I simply couldn't get the bed sequence right... Gosh, what happen to me, think I am just too tired. Doesn't sleep well last nite(not really b'cos of her lah), at 3am, I finally got the bed sequence right and I remembered her, GAK!

I first notice her, even before she was referred to the ST. I found her a cute ah mah and I have often tell people that she is very cute and have a "baby face", especially when she smile. Seen her a couple of times to assess her meals. She really act like a baby too. When she is happy she will give me a broad smile, when she dislike something, she will shake her head and refuses. She sometime "bang" her body down to lie down so abruptly that I got worry that she might hurt herself but she simply "Bo chiap". She got a loud snore when she sleep and a husky voice... ...

Well, yesterday was the last chapter of her life... ...

欢送会... ...6月25日

2006-06-25T17:32:00.000-07:00

昨日的欢送会,或许有人会问我是不是很难过?...是的,我是!

当知道妳递了辞呈时,我身为医院的一份子,我为医院感到惋惜失去那么好的人才.但身为妳的朋友,我为妳感到高兴,因为妳选择了一条自己要走的路.

昨天,在欢送会要结束时,当我在说'再见'的刹那,我突然觉得感伤...我们虽然说不上是掏心掏肺的患难之交,但这份刚刚要开始萌芽的友谊,似乎在此画上了句点.尽管我佷希望这份友情能够延续,但我知道...这,是时间才能给的答案... ...

我的廖老爷

2006-06-23T18:27:00.000-07:00

24/6/06(Saturday)
他刚进来的时候,经常哭.不知道为什么,看到他哭,我都会很心疼,不知该如何安慰他才好...他笑的时侯,我的心也跟着开了.他笑的样子很可爱见"牙"不见眼.Oops...不,他没有牙齿.哈哈!!

每天上班下班,我的巴士都会经过他的家,那个他一直想回去的家.我感叹自己无法帮他实显他的愿望,也没能帮他学会接受现状.

今天巴士又经过他的家了.我一不小心又让回忆涌上,泪水立及飙了出来.幸好今天出门晚,出了太阳,让我有了带墨镜的借口.要不,巴士上的其他乘客还以为发生了什么事.

"廖老爷"这个称号是我给的.因为他的固执就象古时代的老爷一样.他每次听到我这样叫他,都会笑得见"牙"不见眼.记得有一回,他的老婆气喘喘的来到我面前,说:"哎哟!好难找你.我问了几个人才知道妳在这里.那!还妳钱.我告诉她不用了.她说不可以.她老公说一定要她把钱还给我,要不然他会生气,以后再也不叫我帮他买东西了...

本来,我每天都会去找他.因为工做的关系,也因为不想他觉得太孤单,让他有机会诉诉苦(患病的因素使他语言有了障碍)经常会帮他买东西.但也因为忙于其他工做,找他的次数也慢慢减少了

他的离去让我感到非常悲伤,非常无奈!人的生命是如此悴弱,却又不能完全的掌握在自己的手中!可以因为别人的疏忽,因为别人的不小心,因为别人的不负责任,就能影响你的命运... ...

唯一安慰的是我没有"等明天"...那天,得知他的壮况后,原本想隔天才去看他的.可是因为不放心,我在下班后去看了他.他的状况看来不是很好.第二天,他就被转入其他医院.几天后就传来了他"走了"的消息.刚开始,我悲伤,我愤怒,我是不是原本还可以为他做些什么!!!慢慢的,我想,也许,这是老天给他最好的安排吧!也只能这样安慰自己... ...

His Peaceful Face... ...

2006-06-06T18:04:00.000-07:00

07/06/06(Wed)
I remembered when he first admitted to our hospital, it was a Thursday morning, when I was busy with my ST. He struggled so much wanted to be discharged, tho he has just arrived. I wasn't sure what was actually going on and the doctors called the ST to assess his swallowing right away. He was assessed with no significant sign of dysphagia, the NGT was inserted probably because he wasn't eating enough... ...

He was a very skinny ah pak, coughing a lot due to his TB and other medical condition. I tried to feed him a couple of times during his initial stay with our hospital. Funny ah pak, always telling me that the food was not nice, tasteless, too salty, etc, etc. Not able to coax him to eat, even when we bought him food from outside the hospital.

As days past, he seemed to be more comfortable with me. He will talk to me about things. What I remembered most was when he gave me some money and asked me to buy phone card for him. He wanted Singtel card, he even left his handphone with me. I checked with him couple of time before I actually bought him a Singtel card, but end up his was a M1 service line...haha... later, I have to get him another M1 card & find all ways to sell away the Singtel Card... ...

Yesterday, my usual morning to sign out my room keys from the ward... ... right in my eyes was his peaceful face... ... nurses told me he has just passed away this morning... ... Told myself many times that I need to control my emotion... ... however the moment I stepped into the lift, I wasn't able to control my tears from flowing out... ...

Well, I am glad that I went to see him on Monday. He was very frail, on oxygen. Nurses told me he was DIL. Talked to him for awhile and told him to rest well... ...I have been busy with other things and have not visited him as often as before, but somehow, I just know that I want to visit him, even if it is just for a short while. And I am glad I did... ...

快乐的磁铁

2006-04-26T00:58:00.000-07:00

做个快乐的磁铁`快乐的你就吸引让你快乐的人`事`境

迷路... ...

2006-02-22T01:42:00.000-08:00

你是不是迷路了...一直不段的提醒不能沉醉在黑暗的角落太久,要不然会忘记了回家的路...当回到了原点时却又发现周围都已长满了野草...这时的心开始慌了...

我到底是怎么了... ...

2006-02-20T20:35:00.000-08:00

我是怎么了... ...?? 前徃幸福的路上我怎么突然如此沮丧??...我怎么让自己几呼跌到了谷底??...是把幸福捉的太紧了吗...太用力...让自己忽然觉得喘不过气来... 前面的路还要不要走???

要!!! 答案是坚定的!!因为要幸福!!!

在我沮丧的当儿,看到了一篇文章: "幸福不是个终点,幸福是一条道路... ..."曾经问过自己, 要徃哪条路走才能到达幸福... ...其实,在你决定要幸福的时后,你就已经踏在幸福这条路上了. 对!!! 幸福是个决定!!!

在这条幸福的路上,偶尔会沮丧,偶尔会失落,偶尔会迷失,偶尔会很累...但,因为曾经失去,学会了珍惜;因为曾经痛过,所以把握快乐.也因为曾经跌倒,所以更有勇气;也因为曾经迷失,所以明白要让自己看清楚... ... 这一路走来不就已经感觉到幸福了吗!!!

好友写了一篇文章,读后深受感动:"幸福的定义" http://codyukie.blogspot.com/2006_01_01_codyukie_archive.html

She is gone.....

2006-02-16T01:39:00.000-08:00

They know each other only for months... They were in the same ward, having their bed side by side...There... is where their friendship began.

When HA was much better she was transferred to the ward and having her bed beside LS. They don't have much to do then, they talked, they shared their food bought to them by family. Then months later HA condition got deteriorated. She was transferred back to 4th story ward where she can get more intensive care. LS, ninety over years old lady, not able to see well even at close view, not able to hear well, everyday she would have to look out for people to help to send her up to see HA. Everyday she has to wait for people to fetch her on time down for her lunch....she might know who will, but she prayed that everyday, somehow there will be somebody. HA condition was not very stable, sometime she can't recognise LS, sometime she is demanding, sometime she talked nonsense....but LS heart won't be at ease if she don't visit HA....

She is gone today, HA passed away peacefully this morning....seeing people go...HA at her 50s...LS at her 90s...how can she not shed any tears???

"It's never too old to make new friends,
its never too late to do what you want to do"

I went to see LS the next day, not the normal morning that I need to push her wheelchair up to visit HA....she was on her wheelchair outside the ward.....I went over to greet her...she smile at me and said...."I can start my usual sunbathing again, not been doing that for long time....thank you....thank you all for providing so much help to me...."

Friends......My Best Friend

2006-02-16T01:32:00.000-08:00

Friend....who know the way to touch my Heart
who make me cry...but for joy
this will be for U & me to keep our faith
Thank you....Toadie!!!

My gift for you

2006-02-13T18:43:00.000-08:00

Dearest friend,

This newly created blog is my gift for you, on this day, the Valentine's Day. With this gift, I wish you always be surrounded by love and happiness. With this gift, I wish you to love in return, in return to anyone who needs your love. Hold love well, feel it, enjoy it and spread it.

Love Always,
Your Supporter